Unrest meets contentment.

Cross posted at http://cjessicapyne.wordpress.com/

I’m head-over heels for him. Then I’m not. He calms the storm inside me. Then he’s driving me insane. He’s all I see. Then I’m dying to look past him. He’s all I can think about. Then I forget he exists. I’ve never been so fickle and unsure in anyone. These feelings are so stop-and-go. One minute I’m itching for him to invite me over, but not a second later I’m in search of something better to do - and when I’m in those moods, there’s always something better to do. He’s somewhat like a toy to me; entertaining and eventually out-dated, out of style, and old news. I just can’t figure out why he’s so important to me. Frequently asked question: maybe he’s what I need? Answer: no. I’m like this with nearly everyone.

For the longest time I let people tell me that I need to change. I almost believed it. I almost believed that I was too inconsiderate, too harsh, too blunt, too unapproachable. After while I, like anyone would, got sick and tired of being told the way I was living my life was wrong. I’m cocky. So what? That’s who I am. I can only wear my nice-face for so long before the real me starts to suffocate. I won’t do it any more. I love who I am and I refuse to pretend.

There’s a definitive line that separates one chunk of friends from the other. Actually, it’s like a 50-foot security fence topped off with razor wire. No grey areas. There are the people like Lyss, Cone, Erik, Kayliegh - these are the Jess’ World Elite. These are the infallible, in my eyes. They can do no wrong. and, likewise, are unjudging of me. These people have been around from the beginning. We have no secrets, no shame, and no grudges. They accept me in a sun-dress, or in the cloud-patterned sweats that I normally would hide expeditiously. I can be a complete sweetheart, or the most hanis bitch you’ll ever meet, but they anticipate it and accept it. They never ask why because, generally, they tend to be on the same wavelength anyway.

Then there are those whom I fondly refer to as.. everyone else. If I’m in an exceptionally good mood I can tolerate these people for an entire day, but any longer is pushing it. Generally I keep my sweet disposition up until the point at which they begin to bore me. This point has a tendency to hit suddenly, and with the force of a thousand brick walls. I’m never nice about it, either. For awhile I tried to let go of my ‘entertain-me-or-get-the-hell-out-of-my-sight’ mindset, but then I realised something: I don’t need to. Yeah I can see where it would be nice and ‘the right thing to do,’ but for whom? Me? No. For everyone else. And well, we all know how I feel about everyone else.

See, I’ve already got who I want. I’ve got the people who I can call at 4am and not worry that they’ll be pissed. I have the guys who would smash in as many faces as necessary to make me feel safe, carry me on their backs when my ridiculously short legs grow weary, and let me make nachos the way I want to make them. I have the girls who I let see me without make-up, who can sleep beside me and kick me back instead of complaining, and don’t need to turn around when we’re changing. Watching VH1 and Legends of the Hidden Temple re-runs is more important to me than making everyone else feel better. Excuse me, but I love that my friends know every syllable to every song on every CD in my car, and I would never give that up in a million years for someone who hasn’t ‘ever heard of these guys.’

Everyone always tends to say they’ve got a handful of ‘really good friends/bffs.’ Whatever. No one has friends like mine.
I’m going to stick with the people who accept who I am, love who I am, and support who I am. I’m fine with being mean, inconsiderate, brash, etc. I’m just sorry that’s all you can see in me. But if you were to ask Lyssa VanderArk, Cone & Kayliegh Bennett, Erik Hagan, Toby Raczkowski, Jayk Reda, or Rachel Van Zoest, they’d tell you that I’m more than that. I’m an artist. I’m an ‘awesome’ aunt to Kaleb. Agirly role-model to Karis, Courtney, and Cameron. I’m mama to Eliseo. I’m a literature nut. I’m craft-obsessed and I love to knit. I’m a loyal sister, daughter, and friend. I’m devoted when I need to be. I’m determined. I’m flawed but I’m honest. I’m the best Keeper of Secrets ever. I’m funny. I’m resourceful. I’m open-minded. I’m me.

Deal with it.

Thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain.
And for the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait
for me.. for me.

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• Submitted:Jul 23rd, 2007
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• Date Created:Oct 1st, 2005
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