Sfsdfwer;lwskf.

I’m holding comfort in the fact that nobody reads this/takes anything on here seriously. I’m spilling over and this is the overdraft:

I’m sitting here in my mother’s computer room with a bottle of mountain dew and an oversized bowl of pasta salad (I justify this to myself because it’s dinner, as far as I’m concerned). I am camera-less, cell phone-less, car-less, laptop-less, etc. Everything is left in a heap on the floor back in that place.
Sans the car.
That’s in his driveway.

I never ever thought I’d have the guts to curse in his presence, much less to his face. I never thought he’d even know I swore throughout the entirety of my life. But he does, now. I definitely cursed. Him, and everything he stood for.

Hell hath no fury..

He said all of the things he usually says every other time this happens, and they hit the same aching perma-wounds they always do. I cried on cue, and he got louder. He made the threats he’s made before - only this time, he’s making good on those them. I’ll make damn sure of it.

“See how you do on your own, everything stays here.”
Take it all. Even if it’s not yours, keep it.
“Make sure everyone you talk to knows whose decision it was for you to leave.”
Mine. Oh god, it was mine. I’ll proudly announce that to anyone who beckons.
There’s no way I’d have stayed and endured that any longer.
“You take, take, take. You do nothing for anyone else.”

Okay.

So, he wins. They win. Everyone in that damned town. No more will I muck up the ‘perfection’ that they all represent. No more will I have to recluse to my room and sleep away the depression, either.

But I digress. I should be grateful. My mother tried desperately to make me laugh during the car ride back to her house. But I was barely keeping it together. I didn’t want to start sobbing again and make her regret coming to get me. She tends to freak out when someone is upset. She eventually settled for ’surprising’ me with a mountain dew and bottle of wine when we stopped to get gas. I’m drinking the mountain dew - alcohol just isn’t appealing right now.

I suppose I could go unpack what I smuggled into the Jeep.
I could. I won’t.
See, I wouldn’t say that I am upset, but I’m definitely resigned.

Computers, phones, clothes, music? take it all. Honestly. I haven’t gotten enjoyment out of any of the aforementioned for months. I have no one to call, and no one to dress up for.

I don’t even care.

I’m not the one hiding affairs and cavorting around with (of all things) a fake MySpace. My marriage isn’t brittle and lifeless. My children do not fear me.

Sigh.

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• Submitted:Nov 2nd, 2007
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• Date Created:Sep 17th, 2006
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