End of Love ... End of Dreams?

[i] Picture is called end of love [/i]

Its been 6 years since Jayen died. I say its been the hellish six years of existence involved.

I been thinking the last few months now. Im 26 years old and not like my dad, who already found the love of his life (as best as i can put it) when he was 17 (my mom). Maybe it was easier there. Easier back then.

So many choices, and yet none can reach what Jayen did for me. Thats not to say I didn't try.

Its been ten years since i first met her. since i met others. I broke hearts and my heart was broken. But it was us two i felt that connection.

I was a derivative bastard saying the same things like a damn broken recording at times, but she took it in stride. I dont think anybody else would take it.

Not to say im difficult, but I ask too much of myself sometimes.

And can you blame me? Snitch to the cops and die for telling the truth, all types of outlandish and gaudy earrings and whatnot is considered the "beauty" of the mud that the American Soviet, has put many of those who are of a different race in.

Their parents wanting a better life for there kids, their hope for there future in a new house, and so on. Now harder to get because they didn't have the "capital" that those with the "birthright" had.

Remember what i said about never take another mans birthright even if he never deserved it? Thats one aspect of it.

Because its his/her promise...and also his/her curse.

But enough about that...

Im here to tell you that unlike those that fell in love (such a bad term), got lonely, got to a bar, found another and did it again and again until they found the right one to marry and have kids...

I just have to wonder sometimes...

What's the dang point?

Im not angry i just utterly frustrated. Before, men and women mostly didn't have a choice. However the way children where raised was completely different then now. Today, there coddled to become a trophy of conquest. Trust me, i should know; I am one of these.

My family has treated me as a both a paragon and pariah. Like I have some sort of destiny to fulfill, to who I don't know. and to those I hardly even know. I been trapped by people who say they created the Idea of me before the Christian God got a handle of things... Something so dark about this that at times i felt i wanted to commit suicide just at the mere thought, that I wasn't - that my concept is in control of men and not a creator.

But its so easy for those in the science realm to say, oh yes - yall came from apes, and then yall started taking a walk, then making them weapons, then yall did some thing to become Homo Sapiens or some shit like that.

How come that so much has been hidden from us, so much that would make some sense our lives, so controlled by a media that hates the thought, HATES THE THOUGHT that a child can play in the sandy beaches without some "dangerous" stereotype coming in to take that child away- and yet we continue on the same, grow up, go to school, get a degree, get married, have kids, get a job, retire, die?

I look at this and see, how can this be? How can this world so full of majesty and hidden secrets just waiting to be explored, and of a solar system and a galaxy waiting to be touched, both the exterior and the interior, and we are worried about "the future", the "man of my dreams/woman of my dreams" the "child" the "career", our retirements, the grave...

Yet we know NOTHING about ourselves?

I look at the New York Times, you know - Pinchy Salsburger's Newspaper? And what do I see, but the wise old Nintendo CEO, Shiggy (Shigeru) Miyamoto...

And the New York Times, the Old Gray BITCHASS Cougar... says this.

[i]Resistance Is Futile[/i]

[i]Eighteen months ago, just when video games were in danger of disappearing into the niche world of fetishists[/i]

What the hell is this?

The Fourth Estate says this?

To the people who BUILD this whole Video Game business on OUR POCKET money because they gave us something TV or the Music Business could not?

We are nothing more than a fetish?

Some only buy Madden as there only video game they play all year. Some only buy RPG's and what have you.

But we are a fetish because NOW FEMALES ARE BUYING?

You see, what i mean?

The Media has used males against females, blacks against whites, against the spanish, gay against straight against androgyne, all because when it was one america nobody screwed with us. And now, just as June 12 rolls around, the day when we will know the truth about humanity through the eyes of one Hideo Kojima, the rest of the country will be too busy trying to lose those pounds with a damn balance board - pounds they so made because of the stress of living this life, back from when there were a kid, to go to school, to get the job, to find the dream man/woman, to have another kid to retire, and then to expire.

But lets not blame Shiggy. He is just a man, a talent mind you, that did great things. Maybe he had parents that raised him well, maybe he had a culture- while still getting over the war gave him enough to find himself. Maybe he had found a companion to be with to dance to the ends of the earth...

I dont have that. Im not even sure If i even did.

So i look up and i just see such sadness. No girl came over like in Dawsons Creek, over my window... I wasn't born into the elite of Gossip Girl, where all such manner of darkness behind the pomp of the old money demure exist... I wasn't given a silver spoon, i wasnt given a wish and a prayer.

You know what I was given?

Four sisters, one who died because nobody saw who was bothering her. Another mentally deranged, who stole money from my parents in order to free some guy who she though she loved. My parents could lose the house they have lived for 18 years because of her. My other sister struggling to find a job, and has anger issues ... and my other sister a twin - who got into trouble with with a older man, got pregnant and then my parents forced my sister to abort the child because the Doctors said she couldn't carry the kid to term (the biggest lie i ever heard).

Two Parents, who both have PH'D's, my father who wishes to have learned his language rather than having that degree ... and my mother who is going through the motions since my youngest sister has died.

A City, which has nothing but bad memories. From all the psychological damage, the fights, the broken hearts, the sin and the sinew ... the gang banging, non snitchin' aegis of the streets and the schools of the streets... the music blazing, trash fires, balling and touchdown scoring schools of the streets...

And yet ... when I was 16, maybe it is 10 years ago since ... i came to a Toonami chatroom, cjb.net or what have you and me and Jayen met. And maybe it was love...maybe it was something else.

But it was something that got me out of the whole detritus of my life.

One Kiss.

It should have been more.

And now, 10 years later. Im wondering what life is.

I wonder if its worth it to wake up in the morning...

The whole world is going through some times...

The Nation so adored in my heart, bigger than myself or any one man woman or child, broken into three pieces.

Then i wonder if she was just an escape...

From my real self... the self my parents try to rip away. that school tried to trap in...

If i had a chance, i would have gone with her, to the world, to Japan, and back again.

Its so hard to write these words without remembering...

But i realized something.

If it had to end here, it wouldn't be so bad. I learned a great many things. Im not afraid because at least aspects of love would exist out in the great wave existence, the infinite conciseness of God...

I realize that love ... does not just come from me or a woman ... it is there when we want it. Its the freedom, and since the world doesn't want it - it cant have love, and therefore it cant have great men of stature. Yes, this is one fundamental truth.

I have moved on from Jayen. I still remember her. I always will. But holding to that memory will never let me grow.

So this image is us ... the marriage that will never be. The water being the souls of the ancestors ... and the sun, beaming down its rays ... the day that never was.

But the day that is, is going on. Its going on and wether we live or not, we go though these challenges or not, we must go through this.

In different ways, and by ourselves, but it has the same purpose...

Not to become like everybody else.

To become... finally, with our minds controlled by ourselves, our bodies heathy, the soul and our spirit one forever more...

The people that found the way to live.

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• Submitted:May 28th, 2008
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